I have come to the conclusion that i might as well be invisible. Don't ask. I am always surrounded by all this noise, excitement, happiness and emotion. I can feel all the emotions in a room because they are so strong. Does that make sense? Probably no. I was at lunch today, and that was when i felt this massive wave of.... i don't know. Things happen, you just choose to listen or ignore it. If something to do with me happens, people usually ignore it because it's me. Sure i'm fine with that. I'm comfortable with silence and the feeling of being lonely. I quite miss it actually, so i decided to leave my group of friends at lunch and be alone. Naturally, no one noticed, which i'm glad of. I went to find Alicia because i remembered that she was also very lonely.
Next period, english. Wow the emotions in there were strong. 10 minutes of me observing the class, the different things happening, my friends having so much fun, people talking loudly, smiles plastered over everyone's faces. It was that moment where i thought, wow everyone is h a p p y. Then i wondered, where the hell do i fit into this? I finally realised that, i dont' fit into all of that. I hate attention, but i wish i would have a reason for attention.. even though i don't want attention itself. Does that make sense? Probably not.
I feel sad. I hate feeling sad, it makes me feel like i'm missing out on so much. I think i figured out why i love the city so much. You can only find true silence in the middle of noise and life. Silence is not when you're in a quiet place with no sound. That's when it's the noisiest because it's already so silent you can't find your own silence. In the city, it is impossible to find a quiet place, so you force yourself to find your own silence somehow. You block out everything else around you and find your own silence. Does that make sense? Probably not.
I apologise for all this crap. Not my best day, not my best life. Could do better, if i had another chance.
