I had heatstroke today from tennis. It was a really bad experience and quite embarrassing letting my team down as i collapsed on the side while in the middle of my tennis match. As always, no matter what happens to me, what mood i'm in and how trashed i am, my friends are always the first to rush to my side and take care of me. So thank you, I am so glad you're all in my life. Whenever I think about how much I appreciate people in my life, I can't help but think about the people who i don't even want in my life. Some people are just not worth it. Enough of that, as you can see from my title. this post is a special one. This is a post that will remind myself to wake up and seriously stop living in the past. I have to thank Anita for waking me up with her incredibly confusing (at first) blog post which no matter how wrong i may interpret it, in the end, i can still relate to it.
Over all this time, it's been hard for me to express my feelings in words. For me, words cannot describe the way I feel sometimes, and it's just so hard to get what my heart is trying to tell my brain, out. Thankfully, Anita has written the closest thing to what my heart has to say. Here are some extracts from it.
"You don't deserve me. It's always me who talks to you, always me who thinks about something interesting to say. Always me who makes the first move. I'm sick of it. I thought you were my friend, I thought we were close. But close relationships aren't supposed to be one sided..."
That's right. You don't deserve me. I've wasted so much time, effort and emotions on you and it's time to stop and think if you're worth it. You're not.
"But why do you still act like you care? Why do you confuse me on purpose? You make me feel amazing one minute and you make me feel crap the next. And worst of all, you don't know you're doing it."
Either crush me and let me hate you or clarify your feelings towards me. Don't leave it in the middle and leave me hanging on like this. If you don't care, that's fine, just don't hurt me in the process.
"But it was my fault for introducing you two. I didn't think it would happen like this...I didn't think you would actually like her. I feel like I'm losing you."
You will never be able to feel the pain I felt during this period of time. You would never be able to understand how much my heart ached, how much I didn't want to see you two. Worst of all, I had to pretend I was happy, i didn't care. I couldn't show anything. That was the most painful part.
"Maybe I wasn't replaced. I wasn't replaced because I never "had" that special place in your life in the first place. Maybe I've just been telling myself that something existed when it didn't. I've been seeing things that have never been there."
I wasn't replaced; I was forgotten. And it hurts so much because you could forget me so effortlessly, while it's taken me months and months of trying and the memories of you are still stronger than ever. I have been seeing things that have never been there. You gave me false hope.
"I have to leave this behind. I have to start being happy again. I have to swallow the truth and move on. I can't stay stuck in the past. I can't destroy myself for you."
I have destroyed myself for you. I have become someone so unhappy that I don't even want to be around myself. Fortunately you've left a small part of me that still has the courage to write this post, to remind myself in the future that I was once very very stupid. I have to leave this behind, I have to leave you behind.
