I think i finally have the answer to the way i've been acting for .. my whole life. I've always had an ok relationship with my parents but for some reason, the way I talk to my mum is harsh and impatient. It became really hard for me to show my appreciation for she does for me and to show her well, i love her. Instead she thinks that I don't know what she does for me and i have something against her. For me, that just really hurt because no matter how hard i try, i just couldn't express my feelings.
Up until last week, I didn't realise that someone had the same problem as me. Debbie was talking to me and she told me that she was going through exactly the same thing until she changed through being a Christian. Knowing that I wasn't the only one who had this problem made me feel a lot better. I then came up with the conclusion that the more i loved someone, the less I would show them how I felt. In other words, I would do the opposite. I would be harsh, cold, say words that I don't mean and regret them later.
I was worried. I was worried that i'll be like this to everyone I love that aren't my friends. I was worried that when I finally realise that I should come out of my little bubble, and tell people I love them, it will be too late. They might not still be here. That's why i've dermined to tell everyone I love, that I love them before it's too late. Can't say much here but i'm glad I made this decision. The best thing in the world is to know that someone loves you back. Somebody, somewhere out there, loves you.
To all my true friends: I cannot explain how much I appreciate your support you have given me throughout all these years of knowing you. All your encouragement and liveliness has shaped me to become who I am today, much much stronger than who I was when I first talked to you. I feel so lucky to have you all in my life. I love you all :)
To my parents: I'm sorry that I'm a failure to you and I let you down sometimes with stuff I do and I disappoint you with my academic failure. Thank you for everything you've done for me and I hope that one day I can repay you back with what you deserve. Sorry that it's just so hard for me to express my feelings..I love you both very much.
To you: Thanks for being in my life even though you've hurt me countless times. I'm so sorry that it's virtually impossible to express my feelings to you.. and to anyone I love. There isn't one time that you've talked to me where I haven't been happy. Thanks for the good times, and the bad. Most of all, thanks for making me feel self-worth, a feeling I am unfamiliar with. I love you.
Anyway this post is really random and .. kinda corny actually. Not something I would normally write but oh well, I needed to do something like this. If any of you out there are feeling sad, lonely and unloved. STOP and think. Someone, somewhere, loves you. You're just too caught up in your own thoughts to notice. I'm really determined to overcome my problem and get on better terms with my mum. It hurts me so much to see her get affected by the way I act towards her. Another reason why I ned to get over this problem is cos WHAT IF I LOVED SOMEONE AND WANTED TO LIKE... MARRY THEM. BUT I COULDN'T TELL THEM? (this is in 20 years time btw). That is super worrying. But tonight, I think i just took the first step to solving this :) I'm so happy!! Thanks for waking me up.
