It’s been a while since I’ve made a ‘proper’ blog post. I’m typing this on Word and posting it in the morning at school probs. Tonight, my brother finally reached his goal of destroying what he thought was my ‘social life’. Facebook. HAHA, funny right, cos you’re probably thinking the same thing. Okay so the whole of today I did not go on facebook because surprise surprise, ONE OF HIS MANY SCHEMES OF MAKING MY LIFE MISERABLE INCLUDED CUTTING OFF THE INTERNET UPSTAIRS. So that means the only time I can use the internet is downstairs with a stupid OLD VERSION OF WINDOWS (mum cant use anything else ==) and really really laggy internet. Great! So after dinner I sneaked onto the computer and checked Facebook because a party was being organised via an event on Facebook. My brother jumps out from behind a door (he totally has a life) and POINTS AT ME WITH THE LOOK OF VICTORY AND RUNS AND TELLS MY MUM. WOOH sounding familiar? Oh right he did that with my report and all the other shit that I try to hide from my mum.
Anyway, now my mum has changed my facebook password, I have no internet to do my work with at home because I cbb going on a super slow computer, my room is basically being monitored by my brother bursting into my room every 10minutes and I am dying of exhaustion from writing chinese characters nonstop for 5hrs yesterday. Not to mention that I am so sad to the point that I am going hysterical. No joke. For the past week I have been bursting into random, uncontrollable laughter that cannot be stopped for 15minutes. Seriously… whenever the feeling comes I just want to DIE. IT HURTS TO LAUGH SO HARD FOR SO LONG AND WHEN YOU’RE IN A SERIOUS SITUATION YOU CANT STOP. It happened to me in Art today, with poor Jane and Debbie witnessing it, but it wasn’t that bad cos I managed to control myself when I bumped into a scary teacher who told me off for wandering around aimlessly.
I thought my exchange interviews went quite badly but since I can’t do anything to change what has already happened, there is no use to dwell on it and think about how I am going to ‘fail’. To be honest, I wasn’t that nervous before the interview but when I was waiting outside the room by myself for 15mins… dude that really really really made me nervous. My hands were literally blue and freezing cold and I was sweating and anxious. I started talking to myself and even stuttered while doing that== Argh. We get letters tomorrow so I’m praying and hoping that I will get in. IM SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO SCARED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Chinese test tomorrow. Argh, I’ve been studying for the past few days and I don’t even want to talk about Chinese. Like…. I used to love the language so much and really look forward to going to classes, but now it’s just like… kill me now… I hate my life. Chinese is the only subject which I actually enjoy doing the homework for and I have the motivation to do self study and extra practise. You probably all know how desperate I am for the Chinese Prize at the end of the year and as I am working hard (correction: working my ass off) to reach my goal, for some reason, it’s still not paying off. Ok…wtf? For the first time in my life, I’m working super hard to achieve something that I really want and … it’s not working? THEN WTF DO I SUCCEED IN THINGS I DON’T TRY THAT HARD IN? Should I give up? NO because that will get me nowhere. Should I continue working til my hand becomes so red and holding a pen becomes painful? Yes because that will get me somewhere for once. THEREFORE, I SHALL CONTINUE MY JOURNEY TO MY DEATH. Whatever I know I wont get it ==’ It’s still a good way to avoid the freaking maths homework which I am SO behind in… I really hope she doesn’t check tomorrow cos then it’ll be really embarrassing.
K so that’s a recap of my life at the moment. Not looking too bright aye? No one talks to me anymore (except at school) and I feel lonely and lost. I’m joking I’m used to this feeling. It’s like when im catching the train home. I’m always alone so I prefer going all the way to Town Hall, get out with a fake pass, walk around George street, grab a MX and THEN go home. Cos that way, I have a MX to accompany on the way back. Yay a friend!
Also, I’m really enjoying photography in art.I am going to really consider doing Photography for 1 unit next year. Being in the dark room makes me feel sort of .. safe and happy (not in an emo way cos the whole room is just red). Seeing my photo turn out beautifully makes me so happy. I just want to take more and more photos and develop them all and stick them on my wall to remind me of the moment of happiness I had inside that dark room.
Some reminders for myself:
·Be optimistic. Life is good, don’t’ think otherwise. You’re lucky just to be alive.
·The road ahead won’t be as hard as this, just get through these two years and you’ll be free.
·Stop going to the city for no reason. What are you expecting to see? LOL KEEP DREAMING.
·Sleep more.
·Drink tea instead of coffee. At least TRY to lead a longer life.
·Stop breaking into random hysterics. Seriously.
·Don’t think that you are becoming crazy. You are a normal person. You are not crazy. Just because you have weird hallucinogens, it doesn’t mean you are going crazy. Having the sudden urge to scream really loudly doesn’t mean anything either. Just do it somewhere where your brother doesn’t see.
·You’re not ugly jeez ==
·Stop staring into space and find yourself staring at some guy’s balls on the train. You are embarrassing yourself.
·Stop talking to yourself.
·Stop taking 2hrs to think about stuff before you sleep. You’ll regret it in the morning.
·Stop writing out characters. You’ve run out of books.
·Ask Mrs Pang for more character books.
·Stop screaming at people. You are a lady. Be soft and gentle…
·STOP THINKING ABOUT THE FUTURE. YOU ARE GOING TO GET MARRIED OK
·Stop sleeping in weird positions with your giant teddy bear.
·Stop when you’re tired. Just stop.
·He is playing with your feelings. You know it. He won’t change. You know that too. So why are you always staring at your phone?
