Day 4 - A time where you thought about ending your life
Every minute.. of every day. My life is filled with pain and there is no reason for me to keep living. IF YOU JUST BELIEVED THAT THEN I'M DISAPPOINTED IN YOUR LACK OF TRUST IN MY JUDGEMENTS =__=
When I was young, life for me was really bad. At the time I didn't know that my life was bad, I just accepted that life was like that because that was what I had been living. I had nothing better to compare it to. Fortunately I had this really strong feeling that something good was going to happen. I didn't know what it was, but I knew time will change everything. I was going to be successful and happy. Every single aspect of my life will be better, better than what it was then. I actually think that I used to be depressed... but being a depressed child, I never knew that. I didn't talk to anyone, I told my parents nothing, I just wrote in my diary. I read them yesterday... and just wtf'ed. It was actually just wtf.... school was fcked up, family life was screwed up, I WAS COMPLETELY IN RUINS. There was so much more but I could see in my diary entries that I kept hoping and wishing that life wasn't like that... I am so grateful I held onto that hope and continued to believe. The only things i would ever look forward to were:
going to china every october
going to chinese school
going to rena's house/hanging out with rena/going to dinner with her
going to galaxy world with my brother
going to tutoring
Looking at that list you might be like.. wow what's wrong with her?! She enjoyed that kind of torture!? I remember that I especially loved going to Chinese School. Me and my friends would have a really great time learning Chinese and I was a totally different person there. I let myself go, went really hyper and I as genuinely so happy being surrounded by my best friends that STILL stay with me today, 8 years later, still doing Chinese every Saturday. They were my only friends. They were the only people who reminded me about all the other things in the world that still exists, that I haven't experienced yet.
I remember how amazing high school was. Everything changed. MY WHOLE LIFE WAS LIKE... 360 DEGREES TURN AROUND OMFG. At first I doubted all the kindness I saw, all the luck I had. I doubted my somewhat, academic success at school, I doubted my family life seemed to be perfect, that there was this amazing house my parents bought that I was going to live in in a couple of years time, that people didn't look down on me, and that I was respected. I was very very happy. Although at the time, nothing was stable yet, I wasn't particularly close to any friends at school and this immense happiness was so unfamiliar to me, I was so grateful for what I had. I remember I wrote in my diary for like 30minutes about how my time had finally come and life wasn't what I thought it was. I was right all along. I just had to wait, I just had to endure through a couple more years and 'life' would finally be life.
I remember finally telling my parents about my childhood and they got really angry at me for not telling them earlier. But what could they do? I knew inside that only time could change things, I just had to wait. They said that they were really worried about me when I was young cos I was always sad and angry and they wanted to send me to a psychologist because I was never happy.. but they cbb cos they already accepted that I was like that. Eh.. ==
Anyway I just realised that all that rambling does not fulfil what the Day 4 thing asks... argh. Basically no I have never thought about ending my life (no matter how much it seems like I do), because it's just selfish and.. argh. It's just disgraceful to be so unappreciative of a great life being given to you, especially one like mine.
I know this post is very vague in terms of why my childhood was so grim and I know that there are some of you laughing behind the computer screen at what seems to be an exaggerated version of the real thing, but I ask that you respect the personal things I write on this blog because as I've emphasized before, what I write is not for you, not for anyone, but for me only. I can't say that I don't care about what you think or say becuase that's not the truth. I care very much of what people think of me cos of my past. I am constantly checking and worrying about the way people see me... and this bad obsession of mine is extremely unhealthy for my self esteem T_T
umm possibly the most EPIC text picture that is so freaking
