Today. 10/06/11 I had to make a decision. I had to fight between my heart and head once again. My heart won. And now i'm frustrated and confused. I wonder what would happened if I let my head win? I knew I would be worse than this. I would regret and I will cry, even if I was supposed to be happy. But whether I let my heart or my head win, I won't be happy either way.
It was the perfect place. Perfect time. Perfect situation. Perfect colours. Perfect warmth. Perfect silence. Wrong person. Why why why why why why why were YOU not the one there? Why why why why why why why why did I say no, when I so badly wanted to say yes? Because of you. You existed. It was the perfect situation and I knew what he was going to do. I knew what he was going to ask. I knew what was going to happen which was why my brain was working fast to think of my answer. I was listening to my head and my heart fight it out. It was clear, that you had already moved on. It was so clear to me that I was merely just a piece of fragmented memory of your past. But why, when you existed in my past, why did you still have to appear in my present?
It was like a scene from a movie. No actually, it was like a scene from my dreams that I rarely have. Kind of cold, slightly windy, sitting under pretty trees and there was a half moon in the gaps between some leaves. The script was from a male protagonist and everything matched. I never expected that in my whole lifetime, that something 'perfect' like this could happen. I knew what the right thing on my behalf was to do. But I didn't do it. In that moment, I could feel the intensity of my words come out. I saw what I had to do in front of me, but then on the other side I could see what I was going to do instead. I tried to stop myself but some bigger part of me stopped me. "Sorry." I just simply said that, before he could finish his question. He tried again. I stopped him. "No, I'm sorry, but I can't. This is wrong.". He asked for an explanation. I thought for a moment, why couldn't I say yes? What was my reason?
He said he understood that this was my first time and I was confused etcetc. But no, that was not my reason. I was nodding subconsciously while I was screaming inside my head. "WHAT IS YOUR REASON HUH? WHY CANT YOU JUST DO IT AND GET OVER AND DONE WITH SO YOU CAN FORGET HIM FOREVER. WHY DOES HE STILL MATTER TO YOU ANYWAY HUH? HE'S MOVED ON. LOOK AT HIM. LOOK AT YOURSELF! YOU USELESS PIECE OF SHIT JUST FCKING SAY YES, NOT BECAUSE YOU ACTUALLY WNAT TO BE WITH HIM, BUT TO HEAL YOURSELF. THIS IS THE ONLY WAY FOR YOU TO GET ON WITH YOUR LIFE YOU STUPID CRAP." The opportunity was presented to me beautifully. Whoever is planning my life, or however my fate is supposed to go, this opportunity was definitely a beautifully planned out one. The first time someone ever did this to me, to my luck, was done perfectly. As I mentioned, it was like a scene out of a movie. Unfortunately, this opportunity came at a time of great.. uncertainty. I was distraught and torn between decisions. So I congratulate you, whoever is up there, because you are a clever thing!
To my dismay, the night did not end with a certain answer. "I will wait" he said (another male protagonist script). I nearly laughed. Actually, I did start coughing because I found it so funny but it was actually a really awkward moment when I told him that I still had trouble forgetting things. "I won't hurt you, I promise. I'm different," he said. I started coughing some more. It felt so wrong. The whole thing felt so wrong... I was so confused. Is the first time supposed to feel so.. wrong? Isn't it supposed to feel right? I felt extremely.. wrong (no other word to describe it). I felt like I was committing a crime the longer I stayed there with him. But in reality, I was doing nothing wrong except how I was lying to my mother about why I was still in the city at 6pm but that's beside the point. I was allowed to do that... yet I felt like I was committing the biggest crime. I guess that's one of the reasons. It just didn't feel right.
So it ended. I was shivering in the whole train ride back home. So many things to think about, so many memories flashing in my head. "You'll tell me when you finish forgetting whatever it is you're forgetting right?" he sad. "Yes." I replied. WHY DID I SAY THAT?!?! Because, I felt so incredibly guilty seeing the look on his face when he walked away. It wasn't his fault. But now I have to make another decision. I knew the answer was... I will never forget and for however long I can't, I will feel uncomfortable with every second spent with him. I can't tell him that though. So basically, I have a path that has 50% chance to help me solve my problem, but there is also a 50% chance that it will make my problem worse. What do I do?
Perfect situation. Wrong person. The weird thing is, if I don't imagine that the person was there, I feel so happy thinking about the whole thing. Imagine how happy I would be if the right person was there. Ha - that's why it won't happen. I am not that lucky...
another time where this picture is very accurate.
Too much to think tonight... I just want to sleep and forget anything ever happened.
