So I am currently sitting backstage in the dark by myself with a laptop, a sushi piece and a whole heap of boredom. Yes i just changed the colour of that sentence cos i'm just that extra bit bored. I will now take the time to reflect on some things. Hahaha that means rambling about crap and occasionally go off the topic and then go back to what i was talking about etcetc. I hope you don't mind my posts... I read over some of them and I just realised how pathetic some of them sound and how many mistakes there are in them. Oh well, i never ever bother to re-read the post before I post it cos frankly, i don't want to know what i've done wrong cos i'll just get frustrated and end up deleting the whole thing together. I know, cos i've tried.
Today our school principal started the day with an assembly. He was giving the usual talks which unlike most people, I actually enjoy. He mentioned something about memories. He said that memories are the only thing that connects us to the past, otherwise we would have nothing to remind us that the past even existed in the first place. I thought about that long and hard for the rest of the assembly, totally tuning out for the rest of it. Memories connects us to the past. What a lovely thing! We would never be able to relive every moment that passes by. Every second that we spend living, is every second lost. Photos are amazing... it allows people who don't have the ability to trap all the memories inside their head, to be able to still remember the moment that they had once lived by looking at it. He said that photos aren't a memory... photos trigger memories. Pretty awesome aye, i don't know what i'll do without photos.
Today I put my iPod on shuffle. After partying hard by myself to Glee songs (its okay, you'll be as cool as me someday), a song popped up that made me stop. I didn't have to listen to the rest of the song, or look at the title or anything like that. It was just the first few seconds of it that already triggered an explosion of flashbacks, of conversations, laughter and joy. It's something as simple as a song that can unleash a whole wave of emotions on a person, just because it triggered a memory. I don't know, maybe i'm just the sort of person that gives in to emotions quite easily, in saying that, i am very good at concealing this fact. I love reminiscing the past and daydreaming about the future.
What is it about a memory that can tear down our walls and destroy us so quickly? It is the reminder of such an innocent, sincere moment, that we can't help but be vulnerable to the raw emotion. It is like looking outside at night, and remembering the first time someone hugged you goodbye in the Autumn night; the light is perfect; the atmosphere is the same; nothing is different but time. And of course, the person who you spent it with. It is like dreaming about a moment, the last hug, a final goodbye. The feeling of that person's arms around you, yours around them, having to force yourself to let go. that helplessness, that genuine despair in knowing that it will be months before you see them again.
Memories destroy us, they remind us of the best thing we have experienced, and make us realise that we cannot relive them. Could it be worth it to relive it again? To see that person, sitting on those steps, trying tp put together teh words, the light just in their eyes from the lamp post, you glance up and down, trying to avoid their eyes but knowing exactly what they will say. Different emotions flood through, changing in a millisecond, depending on their words. That wall is gone, not destroyed, not taken down, just gone. You lost the Wall in this moment, you are part of this moment like no one else, and like no one else will ever be. You will never be able to describe it to anyone, this flood, this unbelievable vulnerability. This is the memory. This is what has the power to destroy us. We begin to yearn for it, we put things out of the way in order to give this memory more time and thought. We try to remember exactly how it felt, how it looked, how it smelt. Memories come from our most secure moments, nothing can touch us, we are alone with the most genuine thoughts and feelings. But somehow, this safety will bring us to the end. We could say that our life flashes before our eyes, but how much of it do we see?
The best and worst thing about memories are the ones that choose to stay with us forever, whether we want them to or not. So every night I think to myself, do i really want to keep thinking about you, or can I stop myself? I don't know... i really don't know.
