Today felt like it dragged on forever... So after the Year 12 Grad assembly which i did cry in, like i do every year (don't even know why... i just get emotional when it comes to things like friendships/memories etc). I rushed back home to get changed and go to Bondi to get a haircut/dye. Okay wtf the person who usually does my hair was on some emergency leave thing so this noobie had to do it instead and the result wasn't pleasing but it wasn't BAD BAD either so...i kinda paid heaps for no change? IT LOOKS EXACTLY THE SAME AS I WALKED IN, BUT WITH LESS SPLIT ENDS. Uh that isn't good enough for the price i paid!! And pshh... my hair is still black after "colouring" and i think it's even MORE black actually.. omg == WASTE OF MONEY, I COULD'VE BOUGHT REALLY NICE FOOD WITH THAT OR USED IT FOR A LESS MATERIALISTIC PURPOSE. You know i kinda stopped caring... my mum was like yeah you should do something about your hair and i was like.. can't i just do it in china? Then she threw some massive fit about how the chemicals there are really bad and it destroys your scalp blah blah and at that point i was just like..........i dont care.........about........myself.........or....how....i .... look ==. So what if all my hair falls off, there are bigger worries in the world. So what if i don't get a blood test and i end up collapsing and getting paralysed again? Sure it's painful, but if I am still alive and breathing now, does it really matter?. I don't care. Then you may ask, WHAT IF YOU'RE SITUATION IS LIFE THREATENING.. WHAT IF... Okay it just leads up to the ultimate question: what if you DIE?! omg oh nooooo!! deaaathhhh!! I was just thinking the other day, why don't i care about my wellbeing, do i care if i get sick? Uh not really. I just get annoyed that it's painful and it's interrupting my daily life. Before I went to East Timor I didn't even want to get stupid vaccinations. When I am sick i still go to school, i NEVER take days off. If i feel myself getting sick, the last thing I would think of doing is skipping school to make sure i get better. So i concluded: I don't care if i die. I am not afraid of death.
It's like the formal. Why is everyone making such a big deal out of it? Why are my PARENTS stressing more than me? Why is the 'perfect dress' so important. Seriously there are more important issues to worry about and you're stressing over a Year 10 formal dress? Puh-lease. And since when did not bringing a date become the worst thing that could ever happen in your life? LIFE IS SHORT. STOP WORRYING ABOUT PETTY MATTERS THAT MEAN NOTHING TO YOU IF YOU DIE THE NEXT DAY. I've subconsciously lived my whole life believing that i might die the next day. Hahaha whenever someone mentions the future, I always think, huh what future? Cos i can only see things up to the next day. How sad is that? Of course I would like to think of the bright path lit up ahead and see everything in place, but how do you know tomorrow will come? You never know might happen...
I am not a massive risk taker, but I believe in experiences. I think you experience all life has to offer you, as much as possible before you regret it. I don;t want to miss out.
I want to fall in love
I want to have my heart broken.
I want to hurt a body part and have friends sign my cast.
I want to embarrass myself in public at least once.
I want to dance really badly and have your friends join in.
I want to scream at the top of a cliff.
I want to have laughing fits.
I want to cry on my friend's shoulder.
I want to have a really, really bad haircut and be teased about it for weeks.
I want to have a hideous photo taken of me.
I want to fail at least one exam
I want to come first in a subject.
I want to have an enemy.
I want experiences, because I want memories. Memories are made up of every day experiences and interactions you have with people. Whether they are funny, sad, happy, frustrating or horrific, they make up the memories that you will randomly remember in the 'future'. They say that just before you die, your whole life flashes before your eyes. Imagine if you were someone who stayed at home and had no ambitions or motivation to do anything. Didn't go out of the house, just sat there lazily and refused to do anything meaningful. I know that when I die, I want to be able to remember myself as someone who did amazing things and had amazing people in my life. These things are contained in experiences, which become part of our memories. That is why memories are so important to me... Every day cannot be relived. It is impossible to have no regrets, which is why I want to embrace them. I like regret. I like ALL emotions and feelings. I want to be hurt, I want to be angry, I want to be able to have experienced EVERYTHING! Hahah that's impossible.
I think at age 15, I have experienced quite a lot. I never TRY to make a list of things I want to do and have a set date where I have to complete a certain amount of dot points. That's purely stupid. You cannot create experiences... you live them. I don't want to remember myself TRYING to experience an experience because it's like im constantly reminding myself 'JO YOU'RE GONNA DIE SOON, HURRY UP AND DO THIS IN CASE YOU WONT BE ALIVE TOMORROW".
Uh how did i get onto this topic? Oh right cos i was complaining about the haidresser.. who was a gay guy btw. Man, i expect more from a gay guy! GAYS ARE AWESOME.. Anyway after that, I bumped into a few people at the Junction and we talked over coffee and cake. Yum. The weather was great too.
Yeah chinese exam tomorrow. I just realisd that i never brought my textbook and workbook home so now at 11:52pm, i can't even start studying. Hahahha....yeah tomorrow is gonna go very well =__= Yeah sorry about the rant... made absolutely no sense but meh.... Gonna do a formal rant soon, just to highlight my 'forever alone' campaign.
